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THE SUN IS CAUSING CHAOS

According to The Powers that Be, the sun is ruining the planet with its damn light, so we need to stop that mofo ASAP. The genius ideas they have come up with thus far are:

• spray carcinogens and toxins into the sky to block it
• spray piss to block it
• spray dust to block it (but that idea was scrapped shortly after 1992 because chemicals are better)
• bulldozing forests and leaving nothing but empty, baron land
• have cloud-making machines floating around the ocean to block it
• wrapping houses in reflective foil
• covering roofs in mirrors to shoot the sun back at the sun
• floating foil-mirror-rafts to cover the ocean to reflect the sun
• painting everything white to reflect the sun

and now… *insert drumroll sound effect*…

…

…

• they want to save the earth from climate change using bubbles. To be more specific, they want to cover the ocean in “Microbubbles”… (here’s their graphic:)

But relax, sugar tits! Bill Nye says it might work, and Bill Nye was on a TV show, so if anyone would know, it’s him!

“MICROBUBBLES” (AKA ”Hydrosols”):

The concept is to stop the water from warming, we will put a coat of thick, white foam (aka microbubbles, aka hydrosols, aka ruin your day at the beach because it looks like the washing machine) on top of the oceans. The concept is, the sun will hit the foam and “bounce back into space”. The concept is that, with enough bubbles, no light will get through to the oceans, thus keeping them as cool as a cucumber in the freezer. Yeah, we will save the world. Granted, everything in the ocean will die, but that’s a small price to pay for saving the planet… and to do this, we will spray foam. Copious amounts of foam. Very white foam. You see, when it comes to manmade ocean-foam, the lighter the shade, the more reflective it is, so you want the foam to be as white as possible. Pretend you’re at Home Depot looking at paint samples. Find a shade of white, then find even whiter. If you find the whitest-white, complain to the cashier that it isn’t white enough. Think of geoengineers as a bunch of racist bastards.

HOW TO MAKE WHITE OCEANS

Here’s the plan a group of adults who own patents on ocean-whitening came up with:

Ships will be equipped with air nozzles that make bubbles, specifically, very tiny bubbles, “microbubbles”, but because bubbles pop quickly, the ship needs something special to make them last longer… AH HA! Chemicals! Like soap! The foaming agent will be dispersed into the nozzle, which will create a bubble bath in the ocean! (And rivers too! Ditches! Puddles! If you see water, we can bubble that sh*t white!)

Did I mention nanoparticles? Who could fathom having a scientific recipe in 2024 without some trendy nanoparticles? Shoot ‘em in your arm, swallow ‘em in food, spray ‘em in the sky and blend ‘em into the ocean with soap! Yes, good ol’ nanoparticles will help the soapy ocean block the dreaded sun! Then we will have world peace!

HOW SAFE IS DUMPING CHEMICALS IN THE OCEAN?

So, overall, it's totally safe. According to our governmental bodies, it's safer than a virgin practicing abstinence while wearing two condoms while alone in a padded room. So yeah, it’s as safe as safe can be, EXCEPT for the one time… but it was only one time. Do we really need to discuss it? After all, it was just one time. …Fine! We will discuss it… But it was just one time…

The one time dumping chemicals into the ocean wasn’t so safe happened to be the infamous 2010 BP oil spill. If you don’t remember, what had happened was, BP dumped oil everywhere, which ruined the ecosystem…

…but Dawn, the dish soap company, ran a PSYOP to distract everyone so they focused on ducks instead, but BP had this genius-level idea to fix it. This idea was so brilliant it was as if Socrates, Aristotle, and Isaac Newton had an orgy with some female who was smart resulting in a Stephen Hawking-type baby; it was that type of genius.

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