THE SUN IS CAUSING CHAOS
According to The Powers that Be, the sun is ruining the planet with its damn light, so we need to stop that mofo ASAP. The genius ideas they have come up with thus far are:
spray carcinogens and toxins into the sky to block it
spray dust to block it (but that idea was scrapped shortly after 1992 because chemicals are better)
bulldozing forests and leaving nothing but empty, baron land
have cloud-making machines floating around the ocean to block it
wrapping houses in reflective foil
covering roofs in mirrors to shoot the sun back at the sun
floating foil-mirror-rafts to cover the ocean to reflect the sun
painting everything white to reflect the sun
and now… *insert drumroll sound effect*…
…
…
they want to save the earth from climate change using bubbles. To be more specific, they want to cover the ocean in “Microbubbles”… (here’s their graphic:)
But relax, sugar tits! Bill Nye says it might work, and Bill Nye was on a TV show, so if anyone would know, it’s him!
“MICROBUBBLES” (AKA ”Hydrosols”):
The concept is to stop the water from warming, we will put a coat of thick, white foam (aka microbubbles, aka hydrosols, aka ruin your day at the beach because it looks like the washing machine) on top of the oceans. The concept is, the sun will hit the foam and “bounce back into space”. The concept is that, with enough bubbles, no light will get through to the oceans, thus keeping them as cool as a cucumber in the freezer. Yeah, we will save the world. Granted, everything in the ocean will die, but that’s a small price to pay for saving the planet… and to do this, we will spray foam. Copious amounts of foam. Very white foam. You see, when it comes to manmade ocean-foam, the lighter the shade, the more reflective it is, so you want the foam to be as white as possible. Pretend you’re at Home Depot looking at paint samples. Find a shade of white, then find even whiter. If you find the whitest-white, complain to the cashier that it isn’t white enough. Think of geoengineers as a bunch of racist bastards.
HOW TO MAKE WHITE OCEANS
Here’s the plan a group of adults who own patents on ocean-whitening came up with:
Ships will be equipped with air nozzles that make bubbles, specifically, very tiny bubbles, “microbubbles,” but because bubbles pop quickly, the ship needs something special to make them last longer… AH HA! Chemicals! Like soap! The foaming agent will be dispersed into the nozzle, which will create a bubble bath in the ocean! (And rivers too! Ditches! Puddles! If you see water, we can bubble that sh*t white!)
Did I mention nanoparticles? Who could fathom having a scientific recipe in 2024 without some trendy nanoparticles? Shoot ‘em in your arm, swallow ‘em in food, spray ‘em in the sky and blend ‘em into the ocean with soap! Yes, good ol’ nanoparticles will help the soapy ocean block the dreaded sun! Then we will have world peace!
HOW SAFE IS DUMPING CHEMICALS IN THE OCEAN?
So, overall, it's totally safe. According to our governmental bodies, it's safer than a virgin practicing abstinence while wearing two condoms while alone in a padded room. So yeah, it’s as safe as safe can be, EXCEPT for the one time… but it was only one time. Do we really need to discuss it? After all, it was just one time. …Fine! We will discuss it… But it was just one time…
The one time dumping chemicals into the ocean wasn’t so safe, which happened to be the infamous 2010 BP oil spill. If you don’t remember, what had happened was, BP dumped oil everywhere, which ruined the ecosystem…
…but Dawn, the dish soap company, ran a PSYOP to distract everyone so they focused on ducks instead, but BP had this genius-level idea to fix it. This idea was so brilliant it was as if Socrates, Aristotle, and Isaac Newton had an orgy with some female who was smart resulting in a Stephen Hawking-type baby; it was that type of genius.
“What is this next-level-amazing idea?”, you ask, with utmost curiosity.
“Dump soap into the ocean! DUH!”, I shout. I then add, “Well, technically it wasn’t soap, it was ‘surfactants’, but most of us laymen call it soap.”
Yeah, BP dumped soap (SURFACTANTS, YOU DAMN FACT CHECKERS!) into the ocean to break up the oil. They dumped 1.8 million gallons of that crap and, believe it or not, it ended up being toxic, and it is suspected to have killed far more of the ocean ecosystem than the oil itself.
This was an oops, followed by a whoops, followed by asking Dawn to wheel in more carts of ducks for fresh television commercials.
So, yeah, that didn’t work out well, BUT we need to try it again… on a much larger scale… a worldwide-ocean-scale… (And rivers too! Don't forget the rivers!)… cuz Global Warming.
BUT WILL IT WORK?
Obviously, it will because Carnegie made this graphic:
Then they ran this G4Foam experiment on a computer:
And if neither of those things is good enough for you because you are some kind of I-need-actual-evidence snob, they said this:
“While aerosols injected into the stratosphere tend to alter climate globally, hydrosols can be used to modulate surface albedo, locally and reversibly, without risk of degrading the ozone layer or altering the color of the sky. The low energy cost of microbubbles suggests a new approach to solar radiation management in water conservation and geoengineering: Don’t dim the Sun; Brighten the water.”
And if you’re still demanding to see more proof before you agree to have your oceans caked in chemical foam, let me put your mind at ease by telling you that researchers at the University of Leeds in the UK assured us that soap surfactants will indeed make the microbubbles last longer. How much more proof do you need, lady?!
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